Where did I go: Part 1
***The following post is my personal experience and I do not suggest or recommend you follow any of the points I make below. I simply share my experience as a means of comparison for those who may have similar experiences that may need to be considered in the path to wellness. I am not a doctor and I have never played one on tv.***
Coles notes: For those of you who only care to read 140-280 characters
For the rest of you, make a cup of tea. This is a long one. Go ahead. I’ll wait…………….
All set? Okay, read on.
Where did I go you ask?
There are days when I am looking out the window watching the world carry on, what feels like, without me, when I ask myself the same question. Where did I go? Writing this is helping me trace back to the beginning of my journey and my steps forward to return to the land of the living.
Where shall I begin? I was born….just kidding…I’m not going that far back, but close. The path to illness can be a slow and sneaky one.
In high school I had a hard time keeping up and looking back now I realize the feeling of anxiety and overwhelm was my body’s first nudge. But not knowing that it was an important cue to be respected, I simply carried on. I mean, anxiety? I didn’t even know that was a thing. No big deal right? (This could be the first message of imbalance in the body). But over twenty plus years of a career as an actor, I noticed that it was getting even harder to keep the pace of my peers and cope with the stress of auditioning but still, I did it. I had plans, people! I had dreams I wanted to achieve, so naturally I put my head down and plowed forward.
BODY (sotto voce): Ahem, excuse me Erica? No? Okay, we’ve got some low blood sugar issues happening here.
ME: Hey doc, I don’t feel right. I’m really shaky, and I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m going to pass out.
DOCTOR: You’ve got what we have called hypoglycemia. It just means your blood sugar is low. Keep candies in your pocket for when your blood sugar is low.
*This is not an effective way to treat hypoglycemia. Please do your research.
Blood sugar fluctuations and more anomalies ensued and my first class ticket on the blood sugar roller coaster began. Naturally this added fuel to the anxiety fire.
So I took the advice of my doctors and I took my lead from actors who came before me who, at least from the outside, appeared to be invincible (Thanks media, advertising and the ignorance of youth). I took guidance from our go get ‘er society and random inspirational quotes. I just had to try harder, be more positive, dig deeper, persevere, blah blah blah. Surely that will work right? If there is one thing I have come to grasp over the years, it’s that some random quote by some random person who has done stuff doesn’t necessarily apply to you or me. Certainly not in lieu of listening to warning bells from within your own body.
I appreciate the sentiment these positivity movements instill, and they are also so necessary when on the path to healing the body, but they can also do a disservice if the volume knob of ‘persevere at all costs’ mantra is cranked so high that you can’t hear the body whispering to get your attention.
In hindsight I realise I have been quite a bully to this precious body. Don't get me wrong I thought I was doing all the right things to care for my body; diet, exercise, and sleep were always a top priority except when it came to my career. Sleep was a low priority when it came to auditions prep and work schedules. As my workload increased, I pushed my body harder to keep up, when deep down I knew something was wrong. I didn’t respect that it had limitations that needed to be honoured. Being fair to myself, when I did listen to my body and placed my trust in the medical community, I was quite often sent off with a prescription and a requisition for blood work that didn’t amount to much. I had less experience then and I suppose society taught me to put all my faith in the doctors, they have my best interests at heart. Right? RIGHT? I mean, I was busy and the doctors were busier. Sure, something didn’t feel right but ain’t nobody got time for that!
BODY (whispers): Ahem, excuse me Erica? No? Okay, cortisol is going out of whack in here too? Hellooo? No? Okay, here comes extreme fatigue.”
ME: Hey doc, something doesn’t feel right. I’m so tired. My joints are so sore. And I seem to be putting on weight even though I exercise daily and eat really well? We’ve run so many tests and nothing. I’m curious, I was bitten by a couple of ticks in my teens, can I get tested for that thing called Lyme? Can we rule that out?
DOCTOR: The weight? Well, it’s your age, this starts to happen in your early thirties. It’s just natural. The energy? Are you sleeping? Okay, maybe you need a sleeping pill? No? We’ll send you to a sleep clinic. Try these antidepressants? No? Okay well, not sure how else I can help. Blood work is fine, iron is low but still within the range so that’s fine. We’ll send you to a specialist.
SPECIALIST: You have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue.
BODY: *Facepalm*
ME: I’m going to find a Naturopath and start napping every day.
So, I napped. Every day. Some days in cars after auditions. I slept on transit buses in Ireland on the way to college, park benches in Russia when filming, in my cast chair at work and even when at the amusement park after the over-stimulation of a ride. I once slept on a rock on breakwater in Italy and didn’t wake until the ocean water smacked me back to consciousness as the tide rolled in. You name it, I could sleep on it. I could not stay awake.
All the while I continued to work, study and practise my craft. I listened to inspirational gurus, and read motivational books while balancing in tree pose because clearly I just needed to be more grounded. I swallowed all the ‘don’t give up’ mantras that float in the zeitgeist until I started to choke (literally, I started experiencing irritable oesophagus). Surely if doctors tell me they can’t find anything wrong it must be my frame of mind right? My thinking must be wrong and that's what is responsible for this pain? I just have to change that. Years of good ol’ talk therapy will surely right the ship. So I talked and talked and it certainly helped me cope with the physical pain I was in and remove emotional garbage, but talking wasn’t enough. There were so many layers that needed attention. I pushed harder and longer than I should have and now, I am reaping the damage and the gifts I incurred because of it.
I figured everyone must be functioning with this level of pain, surely it was not unique to me so I thought just suck it up. Trying to meet the challenges of acting training, maintaining the impossible physical standards expected by producers and networks and retaining thousands upon thousands of lines. I chose to push aside my body’s messages so as to not disappoint myself and my agents, to keep the pace and requirements set by casting directors and the work hours of the film industry; all while trying to keep a roof over my head. The needs of my body kept losing priority on my never ending scroll of ‘to dos’.
Amidst the pace of my life and the rah rah sis boom bah of the self actualization movement, my body was not holding up so well and that little voice became almost silenced over the noise of working in the industry and our fast paced society that is constantly requiring more and more from us.
Almost.
Trust me, when the body has something it needs you to hear it WILL get your attention. I only wish I had focused more on listening to my body’s gentler messages and advocating harder for those to be heeded by the medical professionals, before it had to YELL!
BODY (with passion): Ahem, excuse me Erica? No? Need some help here. I am sensing there is something bigger going on here but I can’t find it. I’m sorry, I’ve really tried, but I have to forgo basic functions like balance and focus on the bigger issue. Hang on tight, here comes the vertigo and nerve pain.”
ME: Hey doc, something doesn’t feel right. My joints are so sore. The floor keeps dropping out from under me and I can’t stand up? My ears are still ringing, my lungs are raspy and it’s so hard to take a deep breath, my skin is sore, I can’t seem to regulate my temperature. Is mold something I should be concerned about? Oh, I always wonder, I was bitten by a couple of ticks in my teens, since we can’t get to the bottom of this can we test for Lyme? Should we rule that out?
DOCTOR: We’ll send you to an ear/nose and throat specialist and do blood work.
ENT SPECIALIST: It is probably an inner ear infection but we can’t tell. Best way for you to deal with it is to keep moving around because it will right itself eventually.
BODY (clearly and with feeling): Yeah, no. This is going to keep happening for years, there is an infection all right….but cool, you do you. I’ll just keep trying to keep you upright.
Now, all that positivity poo poo-ing being said, on another level I am also so very grateful that I did push hard because it gave me so many rich experiences in my life, albeit these memories are laced with tremendous and constant pain. Keeping your cool is rather difficult when being drained by pain and there were times I wasn’t my best self and for that I am regretful. I only allow myself to briefly dip my toe in the pool of thoughts about how much better the years may have been had I known what was going on with my body. If I had the knowledge to pursue the right practitioners and proper testing, how that could have possibly changed my experience of life and how others experienced me. But I suppose that is part of my life journey I signed up for so no point in wallowing in a pity party for one. Surely if there is gold to be found on these shores, I will find it.
I have gratitude that I didn’t miss out on the beautiful artists that I have worked with over my career, the insight gained from studying human behaviour, the freedom found from overcoming fears, expanding my imagination, playing for a living, and the financial reward when it finally started flowing in…all glorious. To be reimbursed for all the years and years of energy output, struggle and sacrifice that comes with being an artist is a thing of beauty and trust me when I say we do earn it! All the places I travelled and the kind souls I had the honour to meet along the way who appreciated my work, all worth it.
The level of pain tolerance I have acquired is damn near superhuman but all along I actually thought I was less than, because I was barely keeping up and it seemed so easy for everyone else. I am grateful now that my super powers have been validated.
So, yay positive thinking and perseverance! But the lessons I learned through this stretching thin have formed me and I dig myself…most days. It’s a shame that they had to come at such a cost physically but I do truly know this spirit that I am, is capable of handling anything but I am at the point where I feel like I can say I’ve had more than my fair share so I’d be happy to have the challenges lessen a wee bit now. I’m in awe of all that I have learned, how my knowledge might help others, and for what is to come.
BODY (screaming): ERICA?!?! THIS IS NOW IMPOSSIBLE. I mean, these NERRRRVVVES…IT’S BURNING, STABBING, YOU’RE ON FIRE! PAIN OVERLOAD! LIE DOWN! Can’t catch breath…..MAKE IT STOP!!! LIE DOWN!! …SOMEONE HELP!
ME (still diminishing pain): Hey Docs? Blood sugar is still not righting itself, nor is my equilibrium, I can FEEL light and scents are like daggers to every inch of my body, I’m nauseous, my ears are still ringing and I can’t see clearly with all the floaters in my vision. My joints are so sore and when I stand it feels like my heart is going to pop out of my chest and I can see stars in my vision. I can’t chew on the left side of my mouth because my teeth are so sensitive. It feels like I am being stabbed in the eye, electrocuted in the face, and my ear feels like it is on fire? And I think I might be having migraines? And it’s weird cuz I seem to be losing sight in one eye? I always wonder. I was bitten by a couple of ticks in my teens, can I get tested for Lyme? Can we rule that out?
DOCTOR: Here are some migraine medicine samples. Try these. Get the dentist to check your teeth. Let’s do some blood work….